The Only Way is Essex-Stop picking on Arg

Poor James, it wasn’t just Mark, Lydia and her mum making fun of him about his weight on last night’s episode, but the whole slimming class when he read out his food diary outloud to the all female group.

After listing his days food, breakfast- a fry up, lunch- Nanny Pat’s macaroons, dinner -a steak and onion baguette, rack of ribs, sticky toffee pudding and tea and biscuits before bed, Ellie of Ellie’s slimming class told him ‘The problem is clear. From now on you can only eat chicken and salad and drink water or rose wine.’

‘No carbs before Marbs (Marbella)’ she chanted, the group’s catchphrase.

When James got home he was interrogated further by Lydia’s mum, who said she’s worried about the close relationship he has with Mark and suggested the pair sit down to discuss their sexuality. ‘I’ve seen it before’, said Lyd’s mum, ‘men getting married, having kids then realising they are gay.’ ‘I’m not gay’ James told her.

Meanwhile, Amy’s new assistant Paloma was transformed into an Amy Charles mini-me. On went the fake tan, false eyelashes, make-up and a push up bra. ‘You look like sisters’ Harry shrieked to Amy’s delight.

Paloma’s first client was flirtatious Joey Essex, who had a spray tan. ‘I go really brown in the sun’, he told the girls. ‘I think I have a bit of Spanish in me?’ ‘Do you’, said Amy. ‘No’, replied Joey. ‘Do you know any Spanish’, said Amy. ‘Yeah’, replied Joey. ‘Ula’. The girls laughed, ‘You mean Ola’, said Paloma?

Then Amy told Joey that she has some Irish in her and admitted she only just realised Ireland is a different country to England.’

Joey’s second attempt at the swing party to impress the Essex ladies didn’t go down much better. Lucy once again refused a date with the club promoter, telling Joey she wants a man not a boy and to get back to her once he’s decided he is his own man and not a carbon copy of Mark Wright. Sam also turned him down after he feed her some very chessey lines. ‘You’ve got to try harder than that’, she said.

Meanwhile, Joey’s cousin Chloe revealed to interested Kirk she has a daughter and seven years ago was fat, flat chested and blonde until a holiday to Marbella changed her.

The same evening, Lauren held a dinner party to win over Mark’s family, but Mark’s mum, sister Jess and Nanny Pat didn’t seem convinced the pair can really make a go of it, especially after Mark left before pudding to go and see Arg sing at the party, just to prove to Kirk he’s not under the thumb now he’s engaged.

Lily Allen Riches to Rags- How the mighty pop star has fallen.

Lily was left with no choice on last night’s episode, than to use her name and the status that comes/came with it, to benefit her shop, despite having claimed she would never go down that route.

The former pop star, along with her sister Sarah, agreed to endorse an alcoholic drink, when Lily was pregnant, and for her name to be used to speed up the process of Opening Lucy in Disguise, with brand manager Jess warning the old owners of their soon to be premises not to piss Lily off, after they dropped the bombshell that the sisters couldn’t have the store two weeks before their launch, after having previously agreed to a week earlier.

And with work-shy Lily pregnant and housebound due to severe morning sickness, Sarah once again had to take the reins and sign off on all the big decisions, including the design of the store and launch party.

Even when Lily felt better she opted to take her dog Mabel to a psychologist rather than focus on the store. Then she moaned to Mary Portas and Sarah that she felt disassociated with Lucy in Disguise and ‘it’s not a sob story’, but that it appeared Sarah was the boss, which erupted after the girls fought over where the most expensive pieces should be in the shop. ‘Is it how I would have done it-no’, says Mary later to camera.

However, the shops is miraculously finished on time, shows what you can do when money is no object, and the launch party goes ahead without any glitches. All is going well, until Lily at six months pregnant has a miscarriage.

Months later and she’s done her first week of work after admitting something changed in her after she lost the baby. And she’s now realised how lucky she is, better late than never I suppose. ‘I must have been a moany old cow’ she says. Lily that is an understatement.

According to Channel 4, the shop is now breaking even and the girls plan to move to bigger premises. Yes Sarah may have done her research, but you can read all the retail books in the world and it doesn’t mean you have a business sense.

The Only Way is Essex- Once a player always a player

 Mark refused to let go of his lucky pants on last night’s episode as Nanny Pat suggested he throw them away now he’s engaged to Lauren. Mark said he planned to keep them for prosperity and even frame them. Lauren clearly is deluded if she thinks Mark will ever be faithful to her.

Nanny Pat suggested he give the pants to James ‘Arg’, but then said he would probably only fit one leg into them. James’weight continued to be an issue on the programme last night. Mark even took him down the gym and for a run, but James undid the hard work by polishing off five macaroon biscuits resulting in Lydia signing him up to a women’s weight watchers class. Poor James, the guy wasn’t having much luck, having failed his theory test for the sixth time, told by Lydia that they can’t rent the flat underneath Mark without transport and then being put on a diet.

It wasn’t just James who had a tough time in last night’s episode. Sam revealed to Mark that she loved him, only for him to remind her he’s engaged to Lauren, and ‘popey’, Kirk’s girlfriend was by dumped by her boyfriend, who has his eye on Chloe.

Meanwhile Amy interviewed candidates to work as her assistant in her salon, with help from BMW saleswoman Gemma and her cousin Harry. They consisted of a young girl, Paloma, who said she has problems with fiddly jobs such as applying eyelashes, Adrian who Amy mistook as a woman with his heels and painted nails, and orange Demi-Jo who refused to do Brazilian or Hollywood waxes.

After a chat with her advisers, Amy called   to offer her the job, on the belief that she can turn her into a mini me, with fake tan, eyelashes and nails. Wonder if she knows what she’s got herself into?

And Joey, Chloe’s cousin, blew his chances with Lucy when he told he looks up to Mark and wants to be like him. Lucy said I don’t want another Mark and walked off.

Sam wins Dancing on Ice

Sam claimed the title of Dancing on Ice winner 2011 last night. The soap star proved his worth after delivering an outstanding performance of his own version of Torville and Dean’s Bolero, along with children’s TV presenter Laura, whose routine was, according to the judges, ‘Slow to get going’, putting her in overall second place.

The pair were chosen by the public vote to skate the honourary Bolero after Chloe was knocked out of the competition, following the celeb skaters’ final showcase, which saw them choose the costumes, lighting and make-up, and an encore performance of their favourite routine.

Top skater Sam wowed  the judges, even with the injury he sustained in training, with his choreography to ‘Footloose’, which Jason said was ‘fiesty and very clever’, and Emma called ‘Ammmazzzing’, earning him a score of 29.5/30.

Laura skated to Madonna’s ‘Express yourself’, which saw her and two other female professional skaters don secretary outfits, while the men wore very little. But her attempt to recreate Madonna’s music video was unsuccessful. Comments from the judges included, ‘You don’t have the fire I expected’- Robin and ‘You were missing the sexy Madonna feel’- Emma. Laura’s score 26/30.

Chloe took on the part of Baby for her Dirty Dancing performance to ‘The Time of my Life’. However much like Laura, she failed to pull it off, mainly because of her tabletop lift, which Jason branded a ‘collapsible cardboard table, earning her a score of 25.5/30.

For their encores, Sam re-perfomed his Riverdance on ice, Laura her routine to ‘I’m so excited’, and Chloe ‘Kiss Kiss’. But despite Jason’s approval for Chloe’s routine, even taking his hat off to her and revealing the results of his recent hair transplant, the TV presenter come model, failed to win the support of the public to dance the bolero,placing her in third place.

Bon Voyage Kirstie and Phil

Next Wednesday (30 March) property gurus Kirstie and Phil will swap the housing market for sun, sea and sand in their new programme Vacation,Vacation, Vacation.

Instead of sharing their property expertise, the pair will demonstrate how to get the best out of your holiday by visiting one destination each week. The first programme of the series will see them visit Ibiza, with Kirstie on a shoestring budget and Phil without a limit. Kirstie picks a campsite on the north east coast in Cala Nova, while Phil checks out a private suite at one of the island's most exclusive hotels. But whose holiday will come out on top?

Jamie's Dream School- The cracks start to show

You can take the concept out of school but you can't the pupils, leant Jamie as the kids continued to run riot in the Dream School.

Even acting head John cracked under the pressue, telling Jamie 'I can't sleep. Over the last two days I've been more stressed than over the last two years in my job. If I'd of known it would have been like this I wouldn't have done it.'
'The harder it is the greater reward', reminded Jamie. 'But I will cry with you at the end of the four weeks if it's (outcome) not perfect.'

The kids' disruptive behaviour also caused the new teachers- Professor Mary Beard, Latin, and former Poet laureate Sir Andrew Motion, to nearly pack the job in after one lesson. Fortunately for Jamie, they stuck it out, with Sir Michael making his poetry class optional, kicking the rowdy pupils out of his lesson, and Prof Mary asking the teens how they thought she could control their bad behaviour, which helped get them on side.

The Dream School also lost one pupil, LeToya, who agonised over whether to continue with the scheme. After deciding not to quit, her one-year-old daughter came down with chicken pox. LeToya was crushed.

Next week Cherie Blair and Daley Thompson try their hand at teaching, plus the students observe a real-life surgical procedure, beats reading a text book!

The Only Way is Essex- Mark and Lauren get engaged

Lauren must need her head testing having agreed to marry Mark.The player, who claimed on last night's episode he's ready to commit to one girl, proposed to Lauren in the garden of an Essex bar. Just minutes before, Lauren had told her sister there was no way she would get back with Mark, and having had her Mark tattoo removed proved it?

Lauren's sister, not one of Mark's fans, was baffled by the news, his best mate James 'Arg' laughed and Mark's mum, sister Jess and Nanny Pat thought he was joking when he announced the engagement. 'Just make sure you give me enough time to but a hat', said Nanny Pat.

Celebratory drinks also didn't go as planned, as Mark and Lauren decided to sit with his ex's, Sam and Lucy, who were left reeling at the news, not a wise idea, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Things got worse when Lauren went to the bar and Lucy joined her to tell her two weeks ago her and Mark slept together. Lauren brushed off the accusation. But then confronted Mark, who told her it was more than a couple of weeks afo and he and Lauren weren't speaking at the time, like that makes it ok 'You enjoy fucking with girls' heads, that's what is sick about you', said Lucy.

Old dog new tricks then?

Lily Allen Riches to Rags- Nice work if you can get it?

 Lily was off in her own little world again in last night’s episode of Riches to Rags, as her sister Sarah and their brand manager worked tirelessly to get their store- Lucy in Disguise, off the ground. Whereas workshy Lily, who claimed she intended to work in the store when it opens, put more time into her new flat and reading stories about herself in the press.

‘I’m the creative side, you’re the business side’, she told her sister as they prepared for a meeting with the bank. A meeting which had been set up by Sarah, who drew up the business plan single handed.

Even when it came to marketing the product, the supposed creative side, once again Lily’s input was minimum as she stood by their brand director who chose and styled a model for a photo shoot to promote the brand.

Finding a premises for the store was also like the blind leading the blind, so thank God for Mary Portas who managed to convince the girls that having a store away from the main foot fall would be detrimental to their business. ‘We want it to be a shopping destination’, claimed Sarah and Lily, who had their hearts set on a premises in Great Titchfield Street, metres away from Topshop's flagship store. When Covent Garden as a location was suggested, the girls implied it was too high street for their customer, who is meant to be the average girl who can afford a piece of luxury at their store reminded Mary.

Days/weeks later they visit a store off Covent Garden’s piazza. Lily, the cash cow, clearly isn’t happy but what with limited options and time running out goes along with the idea.

Vernon Kay and Stacey Solomon host new show

A new entertainment series that sees celebrities sing modern hits and endure extraordinary challenges is to air on ITV.

Sing If You Can will be hosted by Vernon Kay and Queen of the jungle- Stacey Solomon, who will put stars to the test while they attempt to please the audience with renditions of classic songs and try not to get distracted by the extreme and hilarious circumstances that await them.

Can the celebrities hold their nerves whilst delivering a song from a specially designed erupting volcano, or singing a solo on a wire above the stage that randomly drops throughout the performance? Or even whilst having their chest waxed?

Each episode will feature a celebrity judging panel, but it will be the studio audience's decision as to what team goes through to the end game, with one celeb from the losing team plunged into a giant water tank.

In the end game, the winning team can earn money for the show's nominated charity- Teenage Cancer Trust. But what with the final song having to be performed on a giant turntable that spins and the longer the time they spend on it the more money, it's not going to be easy.

Stars that will appear on the show include Brigitte Nielsen, Jedward, Gemma Merna from Hollyoaks, Brendan Cole, Jodie Prenger, Tricia Penrose, Craig Doyle and Darren Gough.

Paul O'Grady returns for second series of chat show

Cheers all round, as ITV has announced Paul O'Grady will be returning for a second series of his live primetime chat show.

As always, Paul will be chatting to A list celebrities as well as English stars, whilst throwing himself into a few scary stunts.

Paul O’Grady says of the new series, 'I'm really looking forward to being back behind my desk!! We've got some fabulous guests lined up and I'll be having a good gossip and getting up to my usual antics!'

And I think I speak for everyone in saying, Paul we can't wait.

Paul and co-host Olga

The Only Way is Essex- the girls put their knowledge of geography to the test.

The girls proved the Essex stereotype to be true last night on the first episode of the new series on ITV2.

Beauty therapist Amy and new character, former playboy bunny Chloe, seemed torn when trying to decide where abouts Kent is in London? Lydia, James’ (Arg) girlfriend, painted her pig- Mr Darcy’s trotters to match her nails, and Sam and her sister opened their new boutique names after women’s privates- Minnie’s.

Unfortunately the boys weren’t much better, with James calling an extractor fan a ‘retractor’, apparently a selling point of the flat he tried to convince Lydia to move into with him, in the same block as best friend Mark, that and modern cupboards, how could a girl resist?

 Spoilt Kirk also shown his true colours, going to the bank of dad for money to buy a new car. Wanting a motor just like his dad’s, his idol, Kirk test drove a BMW and even put in a good word for his father with the saleswoman Gemma, whose description of her ideal man matched his dad perfectly, according to Kirk.

However it seems Mark may be on the verge of turning over a new leaf, after taking wise Nanny Pat’s advice to date only one girl, not three. Meeting at the local swimming pool, Nanny Pat, who donned a multi-colour floral swimming cap, warned Mark off his player lifestyle. And it appeared to work, as Mark told Sam at Sugarhut, after the opening of her boutique, that the pair of them are over as he wants to settle down with Lauren. But will he change his mind as Chloe’s cousin Joey, a mini me, makes a move on his ex Lucy?

Dancing On Ice- Johnson is knocked out of the final

Johnson surrendered his place in the competition last night even before he skated for survival.

The former soldier found himself in the bottom two with Chloe, who in her first routine took a tumble. Before the pair skated in front of the judges, Johnson knew his time was up and proceeded to thank his skating partner and the trainers.

The three judges chose to save Chloe for her more capable skating abilities, putting her in next week’s final with Sam and Laura, while Johnson skated his last lap on the ice.

Last night’s show proved to be the celeb skater’s toughest challenge yet, having to perform a solo, a first on DOI, and two routines with their partners.

Sam shown he was back on form by topping the judge’s leaderboard with a total of 55.5/60. His solo skate, which incorporated a notoriously hard hydro glide and break-dancing, blew the judges away, with Robin calling it a ‘clean and controlled skate with speed.’

His two routines with partner Brianne also scored him top marks, having successfully attempted the most dangerous move on ice, the head banger.

Laura also had the same move in her routine, which Jason branded as a ‘semi-finalist performance.’ The children’s TV presenter pulled out all the stops for her American style solo, Jason’s reaction ‘you amaze me.’

Chloe came in third position with 41/60. her first performance when her and partner Michael took a tumble may have affected their score but Ms Madeley didn’t let it get her down and made sure in her other two routines her skates didn’t leave the ice.

Johnson, on the other hand was not quite so lucky with his scores. The feedback from Jason on his first performance as that he lacked ‘pazzazz’. ‘If anyone was sleep deprived before they wouldn’t be know after watching your routine’ the judge said. Johnson’s solo also failed to impress him, with Jason telling him he was’ very exposed, awkward, unsteady on his feet and not on par with the other semi-finalists.’ ‘Six years ago he couldn’t walk’, said the former soldier’s skating partner.

In next week’s final, Sam, Laura and Chloe will perform a modern bolero and attempt to fly.

New reality TV programme- A posher Only Way is Essex

E4 is to launch a new show based on the same format as ITV2's The Only Way is Essex, but instead it will focus on the lives of rich kids from Knightsbridge, Chelsea and Mayfair. 

Titled Chelsea Girls, the series will document the lives of privileged young people, whose night out consists of going to some of London’s most exclusive bars, restaurants and health clubs.

Boy troubles at The Model Agency

There were tears and tantrums on last night's show as drama queen John returned to the agency following his hissy fit last week.

The commercial booker took a meeting with MD John, owner Carole's brother, to discuss why he walked out mid-shift. John said it was becaue Carole told him he had an attitude problem and shouted at him for ordering the wrong flowers. 'You're over-sensitive', says Chris. 'You need to cut Carole some slack, she's working from 9am-1am the following morning and is tired and grumpy.' John replied, 'Carole didn't congratulate me on meeting my sales target'. This is despite Chris having had taken him for a meal to say well done.

John and Annette.

Chris tells him to get it together and John returns to work. Carole even takes him out for a drink, nothing like special treatment to wind everyone else up, and calm is restored, well as well as it could be. That is until a discussion about a charity ball in Liverpool turns sour and John tried to steal the limelight once again.

'I'm being undermined. I'm being outed and no-one helps me', cries John. Chris replied, 'Get a grip and listen. It's not about you, it's about Annette (the other commercial booker) stop crying.' He tells him it's not the end of the world, but clearly it is for John.

As Head of Men's Division Christophe says- life at the model agency is like a soap opera. It beats Eastenders anyday.

Heston's revolutionary idea transforms Navy life

 It was full speed ahead last night for Heston as he triumphed in coming up with alternative healthy meals for the navy’s sub-mariners aboard HMS Turbulent.

The three star Michelin chef refused to be beaten in his challenge to convince the men to swap their stodgy, obesity fuelled dishes for meals containing brain boosting ingredients such as fish, high in Omega 3, fruit, vegetables and dark chocolate. But with a shoestring budget of £2.34 a day per person, the same as in prison, limited storage space onboard and a duration of 90 days at sea, it was his most challenging task yet.

Heston’s first attempt at a new dish was trialled with the sub-mariners WAGS, but mackerel smoked with hay and blueberries didn’t tantalise their taste buds.

In desperation, the chef looked to the past for inspiration and found a copy of Nelson’s Navy Classics recipe book, from which he took dishes ‘Portable Soup’ and ‘Bugoo’, porridge, and added his own twist, orange juice, green tea and blueberries to the porridge and tuna, eel bones and seaweed to the soup. But even the look of the dishes were enough to put the men off. ‘It’s all about breaking habits of a lifetime’, said Heston. ‘Some guys have been eating this fatty food for 20 years.’ The submarine drops Heston back onto land.

In his next attempt, he tries to create a healthy fish supper for the men, most of whom look forward to fish and chip Friday’s onboard. However the price of fish is way over his budget. No problem as the fishmonger offers him fish heads and guts for free. ‘Tongue in Cheek’ scampi with quinoa and blueberries is born. And yes the men enjoy it, but the sub’s commander tells Heston there’s no way the fish can be kept for 90 days.

Then the chef has a lightbulb moment, and tries the French technique of vacuum packing cooked food that can be frozen and more importantly takes up less than half the space than the fresh ingredients did. He wins around the navy’s catering head of training, but his real test is to win around the men and their commander.

Using the vacuum packed ingredients he creates a chilli with tortillas and salsa. For pudding, a chocolate coated blueberry flavoured torpedo ice lolly, It’s thumbs up from the men and the commander, who is so impressed he contacts HQ about rolling out the method across the whole of the navy and maybe the army. Result.

Heston waves his magic wand once again.

Peter Andre fronts new show

ITV2 has commissioned a brand new six-part series from CAN TV called Here To Help, which will see Peter Andre and his team offering a helping hand to the Great British public this Summer.

Pete, who credits his fans for getting him back on top after the breakdown of his marriage, will tour across the country and attempt to solve problems such as helping a teenager who can't get on the dating ladder or a single parent struggling to cope, no issue is too big or small for the Mysterious Girl singer.

Speaking of the show Peter said, 'The Great British public are phenomenal.  I have seen first hand their encouragement and supportive messages.  Now it’s time to give something back.'

Dancing on Ice- Jeff hangs up his skates

It didn’t work out for Jeff last night as the star who skated to the Beatles number was voted out of the show.

The result was unsurprising for the TV presenter who was up against Sam in the skate off, with all three judges choosing to save the soap star, who until recently had been at the top of the leaderboard.

The pair were put in the bottom two by the public vote after both made mistakes in their routines during props week. Sam dropped his hat mid performance, which he blamed on having to use a different hat last minute, but Jason wasn’t having any of it, until presenter Philip said, ‘Hats can cause a lot of problems’, referring to Jason’s recent hair problems. Jeff had made several small mistakes.

However, where Sam and Jeff struggled, the other skaters triumphed despite difficulties with their props during the week’s rehearsals.

Chloe impressed the judges by mastering a hoop and skipping rope on ice, earning her a score of 27/30 and putting her in first place. ‘Week after week you deliver’, said Robin.

Not far behind her was Laura with 25.5/30. Judges were impressed with her characterisation, moody and tough, which she kept up throughout the whole performance, along with skating with a cane and chair.

Sam came in third on the judge’s scoreboard with 24.5/30 and Jeff 21.5/30.

Bottom place was Johnson with 19.5/30, his highest score to date. Jason told the former war hero he handled his props, an umbrella and hat, with ease. ‘It was easier to break warriors in Iraq than perform with the umbrella’, replied Johnson.

Next week the four remaining celebs will have to face an even greater challenge.

The Only Way is Essex is back!

Get out your white stilettos, Vajazzle and fake tan for the return of the Only Way is Essex on 20 March.

According to ITV, filming of the 14 part series started this week, and along with our old favourites Nanny Pat, no offence intended, Kirk and Amy, there will be some new eye candy hitting the beauty salon by day and Sugar Hut by night.

Watch the new ad on www.itv.com

David Starky returns to Dream School a changed man

The school of second chances this week welcomed teacher David Starky back after the historian got into a war of words with a pupil in his first lesson.

At a meeting between Starky and the acting head, the historian claimed Connor had started the argument by calling him short and he had retaliated by telling him he was fat. 'My memory is accurate' he said. Whereas it was actually Starky who started the whole thing. He then gives the acting a head a history lesson on why he is short, which is apparently down to a condition with his feet as a child.The conclusion of the meeting is that Starky will give it another try, and he even apologises to Connor. Even more shocking, the historian speaks to teacher Jazzy B, music, to ask how he can engage with the pupils. Surprisingly his hard work pays off and the pupils listen intently to his lesson. Some claim it's the best lesson yet, pat on the back to Starky.

Along with Jazzy B, the new additions to the Dream School are fashion photographer Rankin, who showcases the pupil's artistic talents with a project that sees them destroy a self-portrait, Alistair Campbell, whose debate continues in the playground with Jenny and Georgie scrapping. Even Jamie lends a hand and holds a cookery lesson, but not before taking away the teens' mobile phones.

Simon Callow continued to attempt to teach the pupils Shakespeare to his detriment. A trip to the theatre to see him perform, meant as a treat, went horribly wrong as the pupils disruptive behaviour ruined the night for the rest of the audience leading to abuse from the theatre goers. Even worse, was that the night's antics were fuelled by a bottle of vodka the teens sneaked into the theatre and drank. And it seems the trouble has only just began as next week, pupil Harlem threatens one of her fellow pupils during a lesson.

Clearly Jamie doesn't realise what he's got himself into.

The Model Agency-How do you solve a problem like John

You'd think John was a successful highly paid the way he acted on last night's The Model Agency.

The money booker, who featured in last week's episode, got in a strop and walked out of the office claiming boss Carole treats him like shit. The drama unfolded as Carole told him he couldn't leave 15 minutes early to see a fashion show, and the following morning told him to 'Turn your frown upside down.' 'It was only a joke', Carole says as she reads an e-mail John has sent explaining why he walked out mid-shift.

According to the agency owner, it's common for John to have a hussy fit during the eight days of show week. 'It's called left-out-itius' she says. Despite this, time after time she welcomes John back with open arms. Anyone would have thought John had it cushy starting work at 9am and leaving at 5.15pm, whereas the show bookers often work till the early hours of the morning during fashion week. If John was hoping for some sympathy he's gone about it the wrong way.

Next week, John finds out his fate, but will he stay or go?

Heston to the rescue- his creation- a seaweed shepherds pie

The words nice and plane food just don’t go together. I can’t recall enjoying a meal onboard a flight, whereas I could list the number of bad dishes served to me on a nine hour plus flight, as if that wasn’t torture enough.

But if anyone can improve plane food then Heston can, as he proved on last night’s Mission Impossible on CH4, oh if only there was taste-a-vision.

His first hurdle was to get head chef Steve from catering company Gateway on onboard, who cooks the food before it is dispatched onto an aeroplane where they heat the meals up. Perhaps not the best decision then to phase him out and suggest cooking meals from scratch on a plane?

However Heston’s ambitious salt soaked salmon and parsley crusted steak just didn’t cut it. A lack of space in the plane’s galley kitchen, no sharp instruments and primitive ovens with two temperatures, low and high, left business class passengers waiting an hour longer for their food.

Back to the drawing board. Heston then explored how the change in altitude and dry atmosphere affects taste buds. Steve wasn't convinced.

Round two- a bento box, a cold menu of smoked mackerel with lemon, green tea and lime gum, wine gums made from real wine, gazpacho and beetroot and orange jellies- designed to fool the sense with the orange flavoured one coloured purple and vice versa. His task to serve the meal, which comes with a nasal douche and introductory video, on a night flight with only 40 mins before lights out.

The passengers loved the food, despite delays, but the BA tasting panel weren't so sure, the nasal douche definitely wouldn’t work they say.

For his final attempt, Heston continues to try to win Steve round to his way of thinking and takes him to a research unit with an altitude room for a tasting session to prove food really does taste different at thousands of feet above ground level. Steve is given five tastes including salt and sweet. At altitude his taste is reduced by half, but two tastes remain the same savoury and emami.

A breakthrough? So Heston creates a shepherd’s pie using emami rich products, soy sauce, seaweed, Worcestershire sauce and horseradish. ‘It taste good on the ground’, says Steve, ‘but I’m worried it’s too many flavours.’ Passenger’s feedback prove him wrong. ‘It tastes like home-mad’, says one woman. ‘A tasty dish’, agree the BA panel.

At last a solution, but Heston says there is still a long way to go.

Next week the Michelin starred chef tackles the food served to the navy submarine crews.

Audrina Patridge to star in new US reality show

Audrina Patridge, star of hit TV series The Hills, is to star in her own self titled reality show. Unfortunately for us Brit fans, the series is first to air in the US, with its premier in April on VH1, fingers crossed TV bosses here snap it up quickly.

Unlike the drama filled The Hills, 'Audrina' is rumoured to be centered more around the reality star's family life as she returns to her home of Orange County, California. Joining Audrina will be her mum Lynn, dad Mark and three siblings.

In a promo ad for the series, Audrina dives into a swimming pool at a LA hotel fully clothed. As she swims through the water her dress slips off to reveal a cozzie, and as she comes up for air is transported into the pool at her family home, where her mum is barbecuing and he sister and brother sunning themselves.The idea being that Audrina is trying to find her place in life between fame and home.

Dancing on Ice- Denise fights a loosing battle

Jason got a taste of his own medicine last night as Denise’s husband jumped to the celeb skater’s defence after the straight talking judge branded her routine like ‘twister’ and said it had no flow. But even that didn’t save the Loose Women panellist who was voted off the competition by the judge’s unanimous vote.

52-year-old Denise and Johnson Beharry VC were put into the bottom two by the public vote and chosen to skate again for their survival, despite Denise being near the top of the judge’s leader board after winning the team challenge.

On the first of the Team Challenge’s last night, team Laura- Laura, Denise and Jeff, skated to Scissor Sisters I Don’t Feel Like Dancing, while team Sam-Sam, Johnson and Chloe performed to Rocking All Over The World.’

Jason said he preferred team Laura as the skaters had more energy, Emma agreed. Whereas Robin chose team Sam for their technical ability.

The win turned the leader board upside down, as top skater Sam was placed in fifth position and Denise in third. But the public vote righted the situation by choosing the weaker skaters- Johnson and Denise to perform in the skate off.

Johnson was saved by all three judges for his determination and smooth performance.

Another surprise of the night was Laura’s score of 28.5/30, the highest of the series so far, which put her at the top of the leader board, a far cry from last week when she was in the skate off.

Chloe Madeley also impressed judges with her ballet inspired routine. Her score of 26.5/30 knocked golden boy Sam into third place. Judges said they believed Sam’s role as team captain had affected his performance, with Robin claiming he could really see the soap star working at it, when his skating normally comes so naturally.

Next week the anti is upped again as the skaters have to perform with a prop.

Dancing on Ice- team challenge

On Sunday the celeb skater will not only perform a routine with their partner but take part in a team challenge.

The skaters have been split into two groups picked by team captains Sam and Laura consisting of three celeb/pro pairs each.

Both teams are to be given an epic track, around which Torvill and Dean will choreograph a routine that demonstrates team work, with the celebs taking the lead and their partners in more of a background role.

The challenge will take place after all six pairs have skated their routine. Teams will then face the judges who will vote for the winning team.The individuals in the winning team will have their points doubled on the leaderboard before the lines open for the public vote.

Jamie's Dream School- The teachers fight back

Historian David Starky revealed his true colours on the first episode of Jamie’s Dream School last night (CH4 9PM).

The intellectual, who was accosted to teach an unruly bunch of kids history used insults to discipline the pupils, calling one boy fat after he failed to gain control of the class. The boy retaliated by referring to the historian’s height, or lack of.

Not  the best start for Jamie’s new project where professionals at the top of their field are invited to teach children who have no or few GCSE’s about their subject in a fun and engaging way.

In a normal world, Starky would have been fired, but Jamie and his acting head teacher said they were torn about what to do. So much for an improved school that encourages unruly children to go back to full-time education where the use of insults is promoted?

Fortunately the rest of the lessons went to plan, with Dr Robert Winston teaching science and scaring the teens with the corpse of a pig, Rolf Harris showing the kids how to paint in art, actor Simon Callow teaching them about Shakespeare for English and Dame Ellen McArthur taking a small group sailing, just a normal school day then?

Be prepared to be stabbed in the back at Premier Model Agency

It's every booker for themselves at Premier model agency where it is not just the models who are competitive, but the rival team of staff who bitch behind their colleagues' backs.

The subject of the team's criticism last night was 28-year-old John, a commercial booker and the company cash cow. John, a self confessed loner, admitted he wasn't interested in office banter, but there to do a job and book as many girls as possible for catalogue shoots and ads.

Unlike show girls, commercial girls, real women with boobs and a bum, can earn top dollar for a single job.

Despite reaching his seven figure annual target, John is the black sheep of the agency family, with other bookers failing to find him new girls, why, because they say he goes on numerous trips a year to scout and comes back with no-one.John's come-back, I'm not appreciated.

On next week's programme John storms out of the agency, will owner Carole persuade her big earner to return to work?

Must see TV

Next Tuesday Heston continues his Mission Impossible onboard a British Airways flight. His aim to revolutionise airline food, but with no kitchen, no pans, sharp knives or naked flames, Heston soon realises that cooking gourmet food in a metal tube at 37,000 ft might be tricky. Can the Michelin star chef develop a menu that pleases all palates and get BA bosses to buy into his final plan?  CH4 @ 9pm.