The Only Way is Essex-Mark gatecrashes a date and the reason why he and Lauren broke-up

 Feeling lonely with his takeaway pizza and night alone in front of the tele, a heartbroken Mr Wright decided to go and join his best mater Arg on a romantic date with girlfriend Lydia on last night’s episode. Clearly Mark hadn’t heard three’s a crowd, as he sat with the pair, who had been enjoying desert. While Arg chatter away to Mark, Lydia didn’t seem exactly thrilled by his presence and gave it to him straight about his failed relationship with Lauren, who at the time was at Gemma’s single event, a lock and key night.

However, Mark lost all sympathy when, earlier in the day, Lauren’s sister had a run in with Lucy, one of Mark’s exes, and implied she was responsible for Mark and Lauren’s break-up because of what happened in Marbella? Lauren’s sister thanked Lucy, who was out with boyfriend Mario, for getting Lauren away from Mark, but told her she owed her sister an apology. Lucy replied that she would never apologise to Lauren and from now on will keep her distance as they (Lucy and Lauren) can never be friends.

Also, on last night’s episode.

• Lydia, her mum Debbie and Joey, tried their hand at selling at a carboot sale only to fail and make a £6 profit. Not a great start ahead of opening a cake shop Lydia. At the car boot Lydia also found Joey a pair of vintage Levi’s, a size too small, which he later wore to the singles night only to be accused by a girl of touching his crotch every two seconds.
• Mark went to a yoga class full of women and nearly ended up breaking his 14 nights of celibacy.
• Harry dressed as cupid for the singles night. He revealed to his mate that his ideal man would be the total opposite of him, not blond, not orange, but have a nice tan, more fun than him and hunky.
• Gemma and Arg worked out with Dino, but were put to same by runner buddies and boyfriend and girlfriend Mario and Lucy.
• Arg revealed at dinner to Lydia that he wants a change of career, and thinks he would be good as a radio DJ.
• Dino and Georgio aren’t having much luck with the ladies, mainly due to being vertically challenged.
• Lauren Pope gained joint custody of her and Kirk’s dog Bozo, but Kirk wanted Lauren back.
• Kirk is to help his dad Mick with his new hotel.

The Only Way is Essex- Sam and Joey's second date

Sam took Joey on an 'adventure' of her own on last night's episode.The blonde shop owner called Joey, who answered his phone 'Yo, Yo it's Joe', to ask if he wanted to go glamping for their second date. 'What's that', he said. 'It's camping but glamorous like us', she said. 'We sharing the same tent?', he said. 'Yes'. 'The same sleeping bag?' 'If you're lucky', said Sam.

Joey made sure he packed all of his camping essentials, a hairdryer, portable fridge and a boomerang?
He picked Sam up in his tiny white Fiat, wearing orange Ugg boots and skin tight jeans, which Sam said looked liked leggings.

But Joey got a surprise when they went to collect Amy, Harry and Gemma to go glamping with them. 'He's well Jeal', said Sam. 'As long as Sam and I have one tent', he said.

The group set up camp in an open spot in the woods full of stinging nettles, but came into problems when they realised there were no toilets, a shower block, and more importantly electricity. 'Where will I plug in my hairdryer and fridge?', said Joey after claiming he could hear monkeys in the distance. 'Plug them into a tree', joked Harry.

The Mark Wright wannabee tried to redeem himself by volunteering to make a toilet for the girls and Harry. While Sam, Amy, who was dressed in a blue cocktail dress, and Gemma put up their marquee, the boys struggled to dig a 2cm hole with sticks,and gave up after Harry got a splinter.

When they returned to camp, Sam made Joey put up all of the pop-up tents and make a 'BBQ'. Around the fire the group talked about their fears. Gemma said hers is never getting married and wished Mick, Kirk's dad, would walk out of the woods and impregnant her. 'How do you spell impregnant', said Amy? Joey said he uses the sentence 'Big Elephants Can't Always Use Same Exits' to help him.
'I think you're a bit dyslexic', says Sam. 'I was as a kid but not now', he says. 'Anyway alot of clever people have it like Einstein.'

Joey then took Sam for a walk into the woods where he asked her if she would be her girlfriend. 'On one condition', she said. 'As long as you never wear those orange boots again.' He agreed.

Joey's luck was also up earlier in the week as he met Kirk and his dad to discuss about working with them and doing club nights. He boasted how well he has done with clubs in London and suggested they hold 'Ream' parties and he be the face of one of their nights. Amazingly Kirk and Mick seemed to like the idea.

More to follow....

The Only Way is Essex- Mark proves his love for Lauren

Mark got in touch with his feminine side last night as he tearily spoke of his love for Lauren in front of all his family and friends.

The purpose of his speech at their engagement party, he said, was to prove to everyone that he’s serious about Lauren and to get their support.

However, moments earlier Mark had told Sam she will always be special to him, and he still has feelings for her. ‘It’s hard for me to say for you to let me go’, he said. ‘But I’m moving on now. You’re more special than any of the other girls I’ve seen. But I don’t want to tell you to wait for me in case Lauren and I break up, as I know you won’t do that anyway.’

To make matters worse, Mark had also met with Sam in the day for what he called a ‘business meeting’. Mark asked his ex whether she would be interested in working for him and heading up the glamour side of his model agency. Sam seemed surprised by his proposal and asked if he’d discussed it with Lauren. ‘She’ll have to get over it and trust me’, he replied. Sam said she would think about it.

Of course, the idea went down like a lead balloon with Lauren, who heard the news that Mark and Sam had met for lunch from Amy’s assistant Paloma while she was having her nails done. Lauren confronted Mark over the phone, and told him he had been dishonest. ‘You don’t go and meet a girl’, she said. ‘That’s how gossip starts.’ Mark explained he had asked Sam as she has glamour modelling experience. But then quickly reversed on his decision. ‘Did you invite her to our engagement party’, she said. Mark confessed he had suggested she come. Lauren replied, ‘I don’t know if I am coming yet. I can’t be bothered.’

It’s no wonder then that Mark’s family still don’t believe the wedding will happen. ‘I’ll believe it when I see them walk down the aisle’, Jess told her mum, family friend and Nanny Pat.

At least Mark can always rely on best mate Arg, who he enjoyed a pamper session with, and arrived at the party with on separate white horses. ‘I didn’t realise it was a gay wedding’, said Harry.

The Only Way is Essex- Arg seeks relationship advice from player Mark- what a mistake.

 James tried to win back Lydia last night after she told him their relationship is over for good.

Arg turned up at her house with a bunch of flowers, only to be turned away by Lyd’s mother Debbie, who told him ‘Lydia doesn’t want to see you. You’re too late.’ ‘It’s never too late if you love someone’, replied James, bless him. So he waited outside the family home for Lydia to return only to suffer another knock back when she told she’s already made her decision and he needs to go away and do some maturing. ‘I can’t be with someone like you anymore’, she said. ‘I’ll prove you wrong’, replied James.

In desperation, he even turned to Mark for relationship advice, who, earlier in the day visited his ex Sam to question her about her kiss with Joey in the pool at Harry’s party. ‘Why, are you jealous’, she said. ‘No, it was like a porn film’, he claimed and asked her for an explanation. ‘It doesn’t need an explanation as I’m single and not waiting around for you anymore’, she said. Meanwhile, Lauren decided to get professional photos done for Mark to hang in his bedroom, after he revealed to her plans to open a glamour model agency. Lauren told him there was no way she would let it happen, and the only girl in his bedroom would be her. Mark was horrified at the thought of having a life-size photo of Lauren in his flat, aka the bachelor pad.

To get their minds off things, Mark and James went to BMW Gemma’s pub quiz. James hoped that Lydia would come and even bought her a drink, but she was out with the girls, ‘Single and ready to mingle’.

‘Some people would say I’ve had a lucky escape from the mother-in-law from hell’ said James. We can’t agree with you more Arg. ‘Forget about Lydia for tonight’, Nanny Pat told him, as she and Lauren joined the boys for the quiz, taking the name Nanny Pat’s Sausage Plaits.

Other teams included, The Hairy Growlers- Harry, Sam and Amy, The Ream Team, with Joey, Chloe and Maria. Chloe told Joey earlier that they had a good chance of winning as Maria has lots of GCSE’s, whilst Joey revealed that he buys trainers a size too small that hurt his feet so the trainers don’t crease, clever?

Bit it was Amy’s team who really struggled with even the simplest questions, such as What class at school would you use a Bunsen burner? And Where’s the longest pier in Essex? ‘Is it the Isle of Wight’, said Amy, these questions are really hard.'

No surprise then that Nanny Pat’s team came in first, followed by the Ream team and the Hairy Growlers.

The Only Way is Essex- Joey hooks up with Sam

By some miracle, Joey got lucky with Sam on last  night’s episode. Perhaps it was his beach Ken fancy dress costume, his blow-dried hair or the fact he chose Sam over Lucy, despite her finally agreeing to a date, ‘You’ve missed the boat’, Joey told her. Seems like he’s got his wish of wanting to be like Mark Wright, now that he’s dating Sam, one of Mark’s exes.

While they frolicked in the pool at Harry’s 17^th fancy dress birthday party, Harry, who was dressed as Lady Gaga, Arg, as Fred Flintstone, and Lydia, as Elle from Legally Blonde, were having a more serious conversation about whether they can make their relationship work. James promised to Lyd he would go back to the ‘old Arg’, after becoming cocky and more confident. Something Lydia had commented on earlier to Lauren, claiming him and Mark had swapped roles. James told Lydia that she looked like a princess and he wanted to treat her like one.But Lydia didn’t seem so sure, and warned him this would be his last chance. Is this the end of the Mark and Arg partnership?

There was even more drama at the party, as Kirk and Lauren’s (Popey) mate Maria came head to head. The pair, who have made their feelings very clear about each other, had a slanging match, with Kirk swearing at Maria and telling her the only reason she hates him is because he didn’t give her free drinks at his club. Maria told Kirk that was rubbish and just an excuse for him to name drop the club. ‘You’re too good for Lauren’ she said, now that it looks like Kirk and Lauren may be getting back together.

Afterwards Maria came crying to Lauren. When Lauren asked how they could fix the problem, Maria replied, ‘We don’t. We just wait till he messes up again.’

So much for Harry’s no arguments at his party rule. But the 17-year-old did try and reclaim the limelight for himself by performing a Lady Gaga dance routine to Telephone, which to say the least was slightly cring-worthy. Teenage boy in a blonde wig and very tight fitting leotard, you get the picture?

The better outfits of the night included Nanny Pat’s the Queen, Amy’s Jessica Rabbit, Lucy’s Betty Boop and Mark and Lauren as Danny and Sandy from Grease.

The Only Way is Essex-Stop picking on Arg

Poor James, it wasn’t just Mark, Lydia and her mum making fun of him about his weight on last night’s episode, but the whole slimming class when he read out his food diary outloud to the all female group.

After listing his days food, breakfast- a fry up, lunch- Nanny Pat’s macaroons, dinner -a steak and onion baguette, rack of ribs, sticky toffee pudding and tea and biscuits before bed, Ellie of Ellie’s slimming class told him ‘The problem is clear. From now on you can only eat chicken and salad and drink water or rose wine.’

‘No carbs before Marbs (Marbella)’ she chanted, the group’s catchphrase.

When James got home he was interrogated further by Lydia’s mum, who said she’s worried about the close relationship he has with Mark and suggested the pair sit down to discuss their sexuality. ‘I’ve seen it before’, said Lyd’s mum, ‘men getting married, having kids then realising they are gay.’ ‘I’m not gay’ James told her.

Meanwhile, Amy’s new assistant Paloma was transformed into an Amy Charles mini-me. On went the fake tan, false eyelashes, make-up and a push up bra. ‘You look like sisters’ Harry shrieked to Amy’s delight.

Paloma’s first client was flirtatious Joey Essex, who had a spray tan. ‘I go really brown in the sun’, he told the girls. ‘I think I have a bit of Spanish in me?’ ‘Do you’, said Amy. ‘No’, replied Joey. ‘Do you know any Spanish’, said Amy. ‘Yeah’, replied Joey. ‘Ula’. The girls laughed, ‘You mean Ola’, said Paloma?

Then Amy told Joey that she has some Irish in her and admitted she only just realised Ireland is a different country to England.’

Joey’s second attempt at the swing party to impress the Essex ladies didn’t go down much better. Lucy once again refused a date with the club promoter, telling Joey she wants a man not a boy and to get back to her once he’s decided he is his own man and not a carbon copy of Mark Wright. Sam also turned him down after he feed her some very chessey lines. ‘You’ve got to try harder than that’, she said.

Meanwhile, Joey’s cousin Chloe revealed to interested Kirk she has a daughter and seven years ago was fat, flat chested and blonde until a holiday to Marbella changed her.

The same evening, Lauren held a dinner party to win over Mark’s family, but Mark’s mum, sister Jess and Nanny Pat didn’t seem convinced the pair can really make a go of it, especially after Mark left before pudding to go and see Arg sing at the party, just to prove to Kirk he’s not under the thumb now he’s engaged.

The Only Way is Essex- Once a player always a player

 Mark refused to let go of his lucky pants on last night’s episode as Nanny Pat suggested he throw them away now he’s engaged to Lauren. Mark said he planned to keep them for prosperity and even frame them. Lauren clearly is deluded if she thinks Mark will ever be faithful to her.

Nanny Pat suggested he give the pants to James ‘Arg’, but then said he would probably only fit one leg into them. James’weight continued to be an issue on the programme last night. Mark even took him down the gym and for a run, but James undid the hard work by polishing off five macaroon biscuits resulting in Lydia signing him up to a women’s weight watchers class. Poor James, the guy wasn’t having much luck, having failed his theory test for the sixth time, told by Lydia that they can’t rent the flat underneath Mark without transport and then being put on a diet.

It wasn’t just James who had a tough time in last night’s episode. Sam revealed to Mark that she loved him, only for him to remind her he’s engaged to Lauren, and ‘popey’, Kirk’s girlfriend was by dumped by her boyfriend, who has his eye on Chloe.

Meanwhile Amy interviewed candidates to work as her assistant in her salon, with help from BMW saleswoman Gemma and her cousin Harry. They consisted of a young girl, Paloma, who said she has problems with fiddly jobs such as applying eyelashes, Adrian who Amy mistook as a woman with his heels and painted nails, and orange Demi-Jo who refused to do Brazilian or Hollywood waxes.

After a chat with her advisers, Amy called   to offer her the job, on the belief that she can turn her into a mini me, with fake tan, eyelashes and nails. Wonder if she knows what she’s got herself into?

And Joey, Chloe’s cousin, blew his chances with Lucy when he told he looks up to Mark and wants to be like him. Lucy said I don’t want another Mark and walked off.